


Without Title

by hazzagasm



Category: Amber/Maria - Fandom
Genre: F/F, but like, but some of my feelings lay in this, don't mind me, i twist my world and my words, i'm stupid, if that makes sense, most of it isn't, not all of it is reality, this is just a small peek into my mind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-31
Updated: 2013-07-31
Packaged: 2017-12-22 00:19:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/906678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazzagasm/pseuds/hazzagasm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don't even know. I just wanted to write, and I always write about Amber, and I guess it's also a bit about my feelings and such, I have no plans for this fiction, really. I'll just let it happen, and it'll probably be a big pile of nothing, that nobody wants to read, but I guess it's mostly for my own pleasure, so it's okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It wasn't fair. Nothing ever was. Not even me. Not like I cared a lot about fairness, and generally being fair, but it would still be nice if the world could just flip some pages, and let the sun shine on me, just once in a while. Like right now. 

I stood by her door, swaying a little back and forth on my feet, hoping she wouldn't be out. Knowing her, she would be home by now, _that is if she had even been out at all, of course_ , and she would probably be sitting somewhere in her dim lighted apartment, and stare into thin air, trying not to think too hard about questions, that can not be answered.

Like why she fell in love with a jerk, when she wanted fairytale relationship, and not a disaster. If she had asked me, I would've told her that there has to be bad somewhere, for us to appreciate the good. I don't know if I believe that myself, but I know that she would try to understand.

Not that our relationship had been a complete failure. Not to me at least, and knowing her as well as I do, I'd dare say she would say the same. We had our beautiful moments, and to me, those moments were like oxygen. _running through my veins, spreading through my entire body, reminding me of why I had to keep fighting._

I'd been trying my best to keep my head high for her the last couple of days, because I had no right to feel so down, when I was the one who broke this beautiful balance, and I had to make it right, _we had to survive._

The cold rippled through my body, setting uncomfortably in my bones, making me shiver. I lifted my hand to ring the bell for the second time, wishing that she had just overheard it the first time, but knowing that the chances of that being the case were very small.

She could be ignoring me. That would be very likely.

I looked down at my feet, feeling defeated and cold. And tired.

That's when sun decited to shine on me for once.

Somtimes when you look at something beautiful, it makes your heart fill with a weird sense of desire, and you know you can't give in to that feeling, because what's standing right in front of you, glowing like something sent from above, isn't yours to want. That's how I felt, every time I looked into the deep oceans of her eyes, losing myself in the warm and welcoming color.

But you can't always have what you want. Not when what you want is angelic and fragile, and you're not nearly responsible enough to take care of something so light and living.

Somehow standing this close to her, made me feel even farther away.

I felt awkward. And scared. And very, very young.

She looked soft. Like a sweet little creature made of pure goodness. Her eyes shined with care, even with her scrunched up eyebrows, and her arms crossed over her chest, like she was judging me. I knew she wouldn't, even if she wanted to.

"I'm sorry", I croaked out, feeling even smaller than I sounded.

Her eyes flashed with something wild, and I wanted to kiss it out of her body. I knew I had been the one to poison the perfect, and ruin the pure goodness, but I hadn't meant to.

"It's the second time, Maria. How many fucking chances do you want? How many times do you plan on breaking my heart, before you finally get enough?"

I didn't like hearing her so upset about something I had done. I felt ashamed of myself. She didn't normally swear. I had made her mad.

"Sorry", I said one more time, feeling pathetic.

She looked at me, waiting, like she was expecting more, and then sighed defeated.

"What do you want?"

It was like the whole world froze for barely a second, as I parted my lips and rushed out one word, _you_.

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, like I was some plauge, that she couldn't free herself off. Maybe I was.

"But, you don't _really_ want that. Because if you did, we wouldn't have a problem, would we? You don't know what you want, so instead you want it all. I don't want to share. It wouldn't work out in the end, and you know that as well as I."

She looked tired.

"Why are you here?"

I felt like crying.

I just wanted her to understand. She always understood.

"I need you. Been feeling like shit lately. Please, tell me you still love me?"

She looked at me with something like disbelief.

 "You fucking know I do. But you can't keep fucking me up, just so you can have your fun, and still feel loved and appreciated. Love dosen't work that way. You can't be selfish all the time. It's not all about you, do you understand?"

I swallowed hard. Then nodded vaguely.

My stomach felt heavy with differnt emotions. Regret, shame, sadness, longing.

She was always so kind. The blame was on me, and I knew that it would take more than this, to turn the tables, and make her see things the way I see them.

"I'm scared", I admitted.

I heard her breathe out slowly.

"Of what?"

I was suddenly aware of how much my legs hurt from standing up all this time. Worth a try.

"Can I come inside? Can we, like, sit down and talk?"

She looked at me a little suspiciously, and then leaned back, opening the door a little more, clealy to tired to deal with this.

I followed her into the small kitchen, and sat down at the opposite site of the table from her, feeling a little hope growing inside.

"Want a cuppa?"

Her voice was smooth as silk, and it comforted my nerves, making me feel at home.

"Please", I answered.

 She got up from her chair, and walked to the counter, grabbing a mug from the top shelf.

"The usual?"

I smiled a little, and nodded. 

She warmed the water, and made it just the way I like it. I was surprised she even remembered. We had only had tea together twice. Amber always seemed to remember little details about people, that nobody else cared about. One of many great things about her.

She sat down again, looking at me with a puzzled expression.

I warmed my hands on the mug.

"I'm scared of losing. And commitment, I guess. I don't know, really."

She bit her lip.

"How?"

I leaned back in my chair.

"I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want to hurt myself either. I want you, but I'm not sure how deep that goes, and also I'm afraid of my own feelings. And losing you, I guess. Or losing myself. Or both. Or you losing me, maybe. It's all just a lot, and it fills my mind. It's easier without commiment. Less doubt, less hurt. Not for you, I guess. But like, it's nice to have something special, without putting such huge responsibility into it, you know? Maybe that's just because I am good at ruining things, but I just want things to be simple and easy. I know they aren't really. Not now, not ever. But, I wish they could be."

I looked up into the ceiling.

She kept her eyes on me, letting the words sink into her mind.

Silence filled the air for a breef moment, before she started talking.

"I wish things were easier too. I still love you. I've never loved someone this way before, and I'll probably never stop loving you. I hate that. Sometimes I hate you. You shouldn't have stolen my heart, when you couldn't take care of it. I need someone who needs me back, and someone who's on the same page. Maybe some day you'll learn the value of love, and then we could give it another try, but I'm tired. I'm used. I need something not quite so complicated. You want what's best for me, right?"

I nodded.

"Good. We're too different, Maria. I'm sorry. But I'm here. I'll listen to you, and I'll never let you be alone."

I felt myself tearing up.

"I know we wouldn't be able to keep up a relationship right now, but I hope we still have a far future together, because even though I've treated you badly, I never meant you any harm. You're my favorite person, did you know?"

I smiled slightly, sniffling patheticly.

"I'll learn. One day I'll be right for you, Amber. One day I'll figure out everything, and it'll all be a lot easier. I love you, I really do."

She smiled. I hated myself for being the one who had taken that smile off her lips in the first place.

"I know, baby. I love you too. It's okay." 

It didn't feel okay. But it felt better. I was on my way. When time was right, I would make up for my mistakes.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song inspiration for while reading, or something

Stay - Rihanna ft. Mikko Ekko.

Need You Now - Glee Cast (Rachel and Puck)

Uncover - Zara Larsson.

No Air - Jordin Sparks ft. Chris Brown.

Love Somebody - Maroon 5.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you've read even just one word of this, I love you. Thanks.


End file.
